I first heard of Chip Conley six years ago when a friend recommended his book Wisdom @ Work: The Making of a Modern Elder. It was a time of change for me. Moving into my 50s was something exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I wasn’t sure of my direction, but being a go-getter for my entire adult life, I knew there was more.
I was in a position where I had a long resume behind me, but I still hadn’t achieved what I knew I was capable of. I wanted more!
Or maybe it was that I had tipped my ladder against the wrong goal. I wasn’t happy with what I was doing, but there was something there. I just needed to figure it all out.
Some books are different; I whip through them at record speed. That’s how Wisdom @ Work was for me. I devoured it, and then, in true Lori fashion, I went searching for more. Around the same time, Chip was also opening a midlife wisdom school down in the Baja. I wanted in, but work and family commitments prevented me from attending one of those first few programs. It’s remained on my radar … someday.
I continue to follow Chip, and head over to his blog, Wisdom Well, whenever I need a boost. There he lists what he calls his Daring Dozen, reasons why he’s getting happier as he ages.
There’s a difference between Wisdom and knowledge. I like how Chip describes it. Knowledge is static. It’s local. It’s simple interest compared to Wisdom’s compound interest. Wisdom is global and portable, becoming more potent in your life over time. Wisdom has your fingerprints all over it - it will never be found in an encyclopedia because it’s based on everything unique about you. It’s what you incorporate into life.
More importantly, Wisdom changes. It builds on who you are and influences who you will become. That’s what makes midlife so Gorgeous.
Birthdays and year-end are two times when I stop and reflect on past, present, and future. And because I’ve been reading Chip’s new book as I enter another year around the sun, I started thinking about my Wisdom insights.
Wisdom Insight #1: A Better Relationship With Me
I remember watching the movie The Age of Adaline and thinking about such a life. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a young woman born at the turn of the 20th century who is rendered ageless after an accident. Everyone ages around her; she remains the same.
How curious to know you’ll never get older. As you watch friends and family face modern life aging, you never face a wrinkle on your forehead, a creak in your bones, a pain in your side.
Most people will tell you that’s the dream. They try desperately to hang on to youth. What if there was a way to smooth a wrinkle, make the face stay frozen in time forever? So they buy every potion and magical pill the wizards have created, doing anything to remain young.
I’ve always been curious about that too.
Maybe it’s because my dad died at 54, such a young age.
As I inched toward 54, I knew just how young it was. What if I was frozen in time at 54? Not such a bad age. But still, I knew I wanted more. So much more to see and do.
And that’s where I disagree with trying to stay looking young. I love knowing my face shows every event, every memory I’ve encountered on this journey. We’ve been through a lot in this world, and I love the changes we’ve been through together. And I can’t wait to experience more …
For me, it’s not the outside. Sure, I’ve done my research and have chosen my skin care products. I’m okay with them.
Oh, but the body and mind. Now there, I spend my time. Because so much of what shows on the outside first starts on the inside.
And it’s equal, of course. Many years ago, I spent time with a life coach. I was busy, buusssyyyy, and knew something was off. After weeks - months - together, I started looking at life differently. No longer am I go-going, trying to race and do all I can. I took the time to start working on all areas of life.
My dad helped me get there too. Because without health, what else is there? I’d read book after book where a health scare was a turning point. My dad didn’t get a turning point. What if I didn’t?
Why not start from there? So my wakeup call came early. I pushed health as a priority. And even today, I’m early to recognize when something is off. Like it is today. But that’s okay, because this is life. And it’s leading me to something grand …
Wisdom Insight #2: Forgiving Isn’t the Same as Condoning
I once heard the artist Jewel talk about her relationship with her mother. It was tumultuous at best, and she learned coming to terms with her situation was what would ultimately give her peace. In the interview, she said, “Forgiving isn’t the same as condoning. I can forgive my mother for what she’s done to achieve my inner peace, but that doesn’t mean I have to condone her behavior.”
That resonated with me so much, I remember it today. Because I have a lot of that in my life. (We all do, don’t we?) Something that happened with someone close, only to walk away because of stark differences. It happens more in middle age.
It can happen with a mom. It can happen with a friend. It can happen with society.
We’ve all been through a lot these past few years. How many of us can say we lost family and friends over differences? I’m raising my hand high right here.
So much of this can eat you up inside. How could they? Why did they?
Nelson Mandela famously said, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
He also said, “Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear. That’s why it’s such a powerful weapon.”
I could stay mad forever. I could feel the injustice of what people have said and done.
Or I could stop living with all of that inside me.
I do believe in “reason, season, lifetime” relationships. The only relationship I’ll carry with me for life is with myself. Others are pieced in as they fit.
Yes, my mom will always be my mom, no matter what happens in the middle. And I have to deal with that.
But maybe, when someone walks away because of “fear” or “belief,” it isn’t personal to me. It’s personal to them. It’s my job to stand true to my belief. And let go of the bitterness and hatred of any wrongdoing.
Because my tribe is out there. It may just be time for a new tribe.
Wisdom Insight #3: There’s Burnout, and That’s Okay
I’ve been feeling it for quite a while. Since the pandemic started, really. And for good reason.
So many people have a checklist filled with things that have “happened” over the past few years. Me included. It’s unbelievable even to me sometimes: Involved in a shooting. Dealing with and losing a relative to cancer. Caregiving from afar. Packing up and selling my childhood home. Moving. A pandemic that cost me relationships, and definitely planted me firmly in my beliefs.
In many ways, I’ve been okay. Thank you midlife, for the wisdom that’s helped me get through. Thank you mindfulness and being a self-help junkie. I’ve read so many books, I’ve developed a plethora of resources to use when I need it.
But even with all of this in place, I’ve felt off. Like any good researcher, I’ve been digging in and looking. Could burnout be it?
Maybe burnout is okay? Hear me out - I don’t mean it’s a good thing. What I mean is maybe it’s a chance to reevaluate, to change things, to grow.
Kind of like a midlife thing. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting the same results. And that’s never been me. I change just because. I love it!
So maybe that’s where I am - wanting to change, knowing it’s time to change, and I’m just unsure what to do.
But rather than looking at it as something wrong, what if I reversed the noise? What do I need today?
Or, as I like to call them, WINs - What’s Important Now!
I’ve been known to plow through things as if my hair’s on fire. It’s in my nature to get stuff done. (And create long to-do lists, because, why not?) Right before the pandemic, I attended a workshop. As I described what I did, a woman looked at me and said, “Overachieve much?”
I drew in my breath, somewhat offended by her remark. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood what she saw.
That’s been flowing through me for several years now, and I believe we all reach a point where we need to evaluate where we are. This is my moment, my time.
And that’s okay …
Wisdom Insight #4: I’ve Discovered Joy
Of course, I found Brené Brown many years ago when Oprah showcased her book. She spoke to me.
I love her quote:
It’s not joy that makes us grateful, it’s gratitude that makes us joyful.
People fell in love with her work in her early books; maybe The Gifts of Imperfection, or Daring Greatly sit on your shelves. I’ve read them both several times.
But for me, her book Atlas of the Heart came out in 2021, and really hit home. She dives deep into all kinds of emotions, things we often don’t think much about. I read her book with a journal alongside, taking time to contemplate each emotion she spoke of, and what her words meant to my life.
Joy is something we suddenly have, though we don’t know it. It’s like we arrive, yet we can’t pinpoint the date.
That’s what comes from all the work we put into ourselves. For those who truly put in the time, it allows you to become who you are. And hopefully, who you’re meant to become.
I don’t believe we’re all meant to be the “remembereds.” The people who will be recorded in history books and be talked about throughout time.
Still, we each contribute so much. You might be the push that sends your daughter down an amazing path. Or someone who gels with a friend and creates magic in your community. Or someone who writes a word or two, and sends ripples out to the world …
Wisdom Insight #5: A Wise Woman Once Said …
Chip Conley has a new book out. It’s called Learning to Love Midlife. Of course I got it, and dove in.
I knew it was the chapter for me when I turned the page to the title: “I Have No More ‘F!@#s’ Left to Give.”
That’s me, I laughed to myself. Honestly, that word has come up in my vocabulary so much these past few years. I saw a photo of a business card with a very large F!@# in the middle and a whole bunch of checkboxes around it. With a simple checkmark, you could express:
F!@# You
F!@# Me
What the F!@#
F!@# Off
F!@# That
It even has a blank checkbox in case you’re not feeling one of the boxes. Just add your own. (I texted a photo of these cards to my husband, saying, ‘I want these!’)
What is it about that phrase?
In this chapter, Chip states:
Everyone has their triggers. But in midlife, we realize we can be more discerning about what bothers the shit out of us. We can let most things roll off our backs, and save our mental and emotional energy for the few things that deserve our vigilant attention. As one of my activist friends says, “The longer I stay on the planet, the noisier I will get. But I’m more selective about when I make that noise.”
And maybe that’s the point I’m at now. I’ve dealt with so much and come out the other side enjoying life. I know how to find joy in where I’m at. I’ve learned what it takes to keep my spirits high, or allow myself the time necessary to just be.
In short, I know who I am, where I am, and what’s important. I’m present.
Does it always work? Of course not. But at this Gorgeous age, I have enough behind me to be better prepared for what comes my way. To make better choices in the now, and to move forward in a way that suits me perfectly.
So, in the words of a wise man, I leave you with one final quote from his book as I move into a new year around the sun:
“A wise woman once said f!@# this shit, and she lived happily ever after.”
p.s. Did you like this message? It would mean a lot to me if you’d press the ❤️ below if you liked it, left a comment 💬, or shared it with a friend. I’m trying to grow this publication, and I depend on people like you to do so!
And if you’re new here, Welcome! 💐 I’d love to start sharing my message with you if you’re interested in all things plant-powered, proaging, or finding kitchen joy. Subscribe … and then explore my entire archive! Glad to share with you! 🙋🏼♀️